


Damien Tries (and fails) To Take Over The World

by chelliebeans



Category: Smosh
Genre: Alien Damien Haas, Alternate Universe - Aliens, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - High School, Betrayal, Bibliophobia, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Drama, Enemies to Friends, Gen, I hate it and also love it, Psychic Abilities, Psychic Damien Haas, Screenplay/Script Format, Seriously guys you asked for this, The Cool Crew, The School Book ClubTM, Time Loop, like and subscribe for more kiddos, not really - Freeform, uh, um, whoa oops, yes i searched that up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:47:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23337862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chelliebeans/pseuds/chelliebeans
Summary: The newest Smosh video has inspired me to write the most atrocious/amazing fanfiction I can, so here it is.Ever since the Library Incident of 1806, Damien has been stuck as a psychic alien with a fear of books trying to take over his high school– all while pretending to be human. But when he meets Shain and Certneey from the School Book ClubTM, he will be forced to face his fear. And who are the Cool Crew, and why did they leave the School Book ClubTM?Also, just a warning: this is absolutely terrible in every way. Enjoy! :)
Relationships: Damien Haas & Courtney Miller, Damien Haas & Shayne Topp, Noah Grossman & Keith Leak Jr., Olivia Sui & Keith Leak Jr., Olivia Sui & Noah Grossman, Shayne Topp & Courtney Miller
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	Damien Tries (and fails) To Take Over The World

_Scene 1: Damien is standing in front of the mirror in the highschool bathroom._

Damien: Drat! Foiled again! 

_Damien twirls his mustache. He begins his monologue._

Damien: I’m just an average high schooler. Well, according to everyone else, anyway. But I know differently. I, Damien Kuddelmuddel Haas IV, have a terrible secret. I have psychic powers that were given to me as a child as a result of a terrible book-related incident as a child, when I was just a child in my childhood.

_Damien turns away dramatically from the mirror, sighing._

Damien: Ever since the Library Incident of 1806, I’ve been stuck with these debilitating powers. Also, I’m an alien. Anyway, I’ve been trying to take over the world for 214 years, yet I haven’t even been able to take over this high school. Maybe it’s because all my fellow peers judge me for my amazing physique–

_Damien flexes his arms._

Damien: or my dashing looks– 

_Damien turns back to the mirror and winks at it. Suddenly, he looks crestfallen._

Damien (sighing): Oh well. Guess I’ll have to find another way to take over this high school, and then the world.

_Suddenly, a giant BANG erupts from the bathroom stall next to where Damien was standing. The door creaks open to reveal the Hulk. Wait, no. It’s just Shayne._

Shayne: Hey, man.

_Shayne makes his way towards Damien, barely able to fit his muscular... muscles... through the door._

Shayne: I heard you monologuing from where I was sitting in this bathroom stall and contemplating the workings of the universe.

_Damien nods at Shayne._

Damien: Reasonable. Yes, after all that is what us humans are supposed to do in a bathroom. I know this because I too am a human, Shan.

_They remain silent for a moment._

Shayne: Yes. Anyway, I heard literally nothing you said except maybe something about a book-related incident as a child when you were a child in your childhood. I can only assume that means you’d like to join the School Book ClubTM! So, when would you like to start?

_Damien crouches on the floor, a hand on his chin. Shayne remains standing, motionless and staring off into the distance._

Damien: HMMMMQ!!!???/??!!@!!! Let me think. On one hand...

_Damien reaches out with one hand_

Damien: I get severe flashbacks to the Library Incident every time I enter a library, and sometimes when people even mention the idea of a book. Plus, entering a school club will decrease my overall time available, and thus decrease my chances of conquering the entire world. But, on the other hand...

_Damien reaches out with his other hand, the first hand still in the air_

Damien: This could be a great opportunity to study the lives of humans, to gain a better understanding of how to properly act like one. ‘Cause, you know, I’m an alien.

_Damien stands up suddenly, arms still in the air, and Shayne blinks as if coming out of a trance._

Shayne: So, you gonna join the book club, broham?

Damien (nodding): Yes… _broham_.

* * *

Scene 2: _Damien and Shayne enter the library. Damien twitches for a moment, as if reliving the Library Incident of 1806. They continue, Shayne stomping muscularly through towards Courtney. Courtney is already sitting there, squinting at a book. Her black witch’s hat rests atop her head, bathing her face in shadows._

“Greetings, fools.” she says.

Shayne (doing finger guns): ‘Sup, Courtney.

_Damien bows._

Damien: Salutations, it is I, Damien Kamelkopf Haas III. It is doing well to meet of you, Cort-neeeee.

_Courtney, Damien and Shayne all laugh._

Damien: So, when will everyone else arrive at this club of b-b-b-books?

_Damien gulps fearfully. Shayne does a thumbs up._

Courtney: HAHA! 

_Courtney stands up from the table, flicking her cape behind her._

Courtney: This _is_ everyone. The School Book ClubTM was once a thriving city, full of life. That was until three members ABANDONED us to be cool kids. Look, there they are now.

Damien, Shayne and Courtney all look to the right, where Keith, Noah and Olivia are walking sassily. Shayne struggles to contain all of his muscle mass. Keith, Noah and Olivia are still walking. They keep walking. They're still walking. Walking.

Shayne: See the guy with the sunglasses and the hat? That’s Keith Leak Jr.

_Keith winks and smiles, still walking._

Shayne: He was the first to leave. People started to realise just how cool he was, and he decided he wouldn’t let a puny book club stop him from being the most popular kid in school. That was when Noah left.

_Noah does a spin midwalk and laughs._

Shayne: He’s the one in the middle with curly hair. Noah wasn’t about to stay in the book club without Keith there, so he left. And Olivia?

_Olivia flips her hair and does a funky dance as she walks._

Shayne: She was only here to sabotage us.

_Courtney moves to stand on Damien’s other side._

Courtney: But how could somebody sabotage a book club, you ask? 

_Damien looks at Courtney._

Damien: I didn’t ask–

Olivia: WELL, WELL, WELL! 

_Olivia, Keith and Noah FINALLY reach the book club._

Olivia: If it isn’t Courtney the Witch Girl, Mr. Buff McMuscles and that totally normal guy.

_Keith, Noah and Olivia all laugh while Shayne and Courtney cross their arms, embarrassed. Damien crosses his arms to fit in._

Olivia: So where are your books? Oh wait, you don’t have any, ‘cause I SABOTAGED them! 

_Olivia laughs evilly._

Courtney and Shayne: That’s how.

_Keith looks the School Book ClubTM up and down._

Keith: What, are you trying to replace all three of us _and_ our books with one dude?

_Shayne scoffs. Damien looks offended._

Courtney: N-no... 

_Noah steps forward._

Noah: So, how’s the School Book ClubTM going? Or should I say, how’s it NOT going! Haha, get it? Because we left? I'm so cool.

_Keith, Noah and Olivia laugh. Shayne gasps._

Shayne: How DARE you?

Courtney: Yeah!

Shayne: This Book ClubTM works _totally_ fine with just three people.

Courtney: Yeah!

Shayne: And no books.

Courtney: Yeah...

Shayne: In fact, it’s been even better since you guys left!

Courtney: Y-yeah… totally, man.

_Keith, Noah and Olivia all shake their heads knowingly._

Keith: Psshh, y’all know we’re way too cool for this. Come on, guys. 

Olivia (shouting): YEAH! LET’S LEAVE, COOL CREW!

Noah: Definitely. I mean, there’s nothing stopping us from leaving.

Olivia: Nope. 

Keith: Nuh-uh.

_There’s an awkward silence, as if everyone is waiting for something._

Damien: EXCEPT FOR ME! 

_Everyone gasps as Keith, Noah and Olivia fall to their knees._

Damien: Yes, you mere mortals, kneel before my amazingness!

_Keith, Noah and Olivia scream a little. Just a little, though._

_Shayne and Courtney look towards Damien, scared._

Shayne: D-D-Damien?

Courtney (squinting): I knew it.

Damien: Pssh, nah, that’s impossible. Anyway, PLOT TWIST, I was a psychic alien the entire time! Now, you might be thinking, ‘what? I can’t believe this! I thought he was a human the whole time?!’ Well, look closely, and you might see some teeny tiny differences. If you look very, very closely, you’ll see that my skin is bright green, I am floating, and also I have antennae, and a mustache! The mustache is unrelated to me being an alien, but I just wanted to point it out. IN OTHER NEWS, I, Damien Deutsches-Wort Haas 5000, have been trying to take over the world and this high school since the Library Incident of 1806. However, upon further inspection, it’s clear that the school has already been taken over by the likes of YOU!

_Damien points towards the Cool Crew, who all look at each other._

Damien: If you were to have met Olivia Sui a few hundred years ago, you would’ve known her as a lone alien from the planet of Pepperzonia, where no-one exist!

_Shayne looks directly at the camera._

Shayne: What a clever throwback! Such great writing! I mean, whaaat?

_Olivia looks solemn._

Olivia (solemnly): It’s true. Also, I’m blind.

Damien: And Keith? Why, he’s really the almighty Tooth Fairy, AKA Tamika the Ultimate Tooth Destroyer from planet X.”

_Keith looks to the floor. He starts speaking like Tamika the Tooth Fairy._

Keith: He’s right, he’s right. Sorry, guys.

 _Damien points at Noah._

Damien: And what about Noah? Or should I say, Claire from the Planet of the Werewolves?!?!?!!?!!

_Noah takes a set of fake teeth from his pocket and puts them on._

Noah: This is the real me, guys, I fooled you all. And for what? To be popular? Sigh.

_Damien smirks._

Damien: But TRY NOT TO LAUGH at them (ha what a quirky reference); they’re just like me: Aliens trying to find a home here on Earth.

Courtney: Wait, didn’t you just say you’ve been trying to destroy the world since 1806?

_Damien sighs._

Damien: Yes, but now I see the error of my ways. So thank you, Curtain and Shine. You’ve taught me well. However, I have to go now; I must travel through time to cause the Library Incident of 1806 when I was a child in my childhood and prevent this time loop from unlooping. I wish you all well.

_Damien disappears, having just travelled through time, and Shayne and Courtney sniff sadly._

Courtney: I’m so sad to see him go.

Shayne: Shayne agrees. 

_Noah stands up, finally free from Damien’s psychic powers._

Noah: I think I speak for all of us when I say that now you know our true identities– and the reasons why we had to leave the Book ClubTM– we’d love to join the Book ClubTM again. Even if us Cool Kids go back to being losers... maybe we can all become friends once more?”

_Olivia and Keith nod then stand._

_Courtney and Shayne look at each other, then back at the former Cool Crew._

Courtney and Shayne: Nope!

_Everyone laughs._

_Damien comes back in for a bit and also laughs. Then he leaves._

_“FRIENDSHIP!” Everyone says, striking a pose._

_Then they all laugh._

_Then they strike a pose again._

* * *

**tHe EnD**

_  
  
  
_

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, there were only two scenes. Should there have been more? Debatable.  
> Ok bye thanks for reading. Woohoo.  
> Bye!


End file.
